Divine Expectations by Men

Since the Genesis Fall:
Some characteristics of GOD are:
Women want men to be:
Men want women to be:


Men want to experience attractiveness in others. Men are equipped with “beauty receptors” so attraction is noticed. The “beauty receptor” is always on the alert for beauty. Women are very observant of physical attractiveness also. So what attractiveness does a man want a woman to possess?

First, he wants that attractiveness to be glorious for his delight. The woman he admires will use the attractiveness to assure him of a good choice in picking her. It brings excitement and it provides status. Attractiveness is not only physical. This includes her mental/emotional being and her spiritual being as well. The physically unattractive woman can show her mental and spiritual attractiveness in a variety of ways that come through her agreeable and available nature. While this relates to submission, it is not being a doormat or a “yes-woman.” This is not being at his beck and call or hovering over him all the time. To the healthy man, the doormat, or too-available woman, is not attractive even though she is available. To the unhealthy man, the doormat, or too-available woman, is a target for selfish abuse.

The healthy man wants the woman in his life to be wise (psychologically attractive) but not directing or demanding. She will be able to speak to his and her interests with enthusiasm and clarity. She will not have to be as smart as he is on all topics but will be interested in the interests he has on a topic(s). Where she agrees with his understanding, she will express delight in that he knows, especially if he knows her well. The availability of a woman comes across well in her willingness to give of her interests and her time to what he is doing.

Attractiveness is an element of beauty. In Captivating - Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul, by John and Stasi Eldredge, beauty is given the following attributes: “. . . beauty says, All shall be well.” “Beauty also invites.” “Beauty nourishes.” “Beauty comforts.” “Beauty inspires.” “Beauty is transcendent.” “Beauty is, without question, the most essential and most misunderstood of all God’s qualities – of all feminine qualities too.” (Pages 38-40) (All men and women can learn from reading this book. It will move your attitude to strong support of healthy women.)

These qualities of feminine nature draw men to see that all is well. A healthy man with attractiveness in his sight does not normally think of anything else. He gazes upon the attractiveness and is set right with whatever is going on in his world. Once he is no longer gazing, the world comes back into his thoughts and he must move on to do what is next. Men are on one topic at a time. A sunset or sunrise brings him to pause. A flower, a child, a beautiful car, a building, a mountain, a tree, a bird, all can stop him in his tracks if he sees the attractiveness. The attractiveness is drawing him. It invites him to linger, slow down, pause, bask in feeling well for a moment. He leaves the attractiveness with a nourishing to be or do more. His spirit rises within. His masculinity is inspired to show his strength.

His peace, found while gazing at attractiveness, is a new starting spot for the stress of life to confront him. He is comforted in the stress as he gazes on the attractiveness. He is lifted by the attractiveness and in his own strength rising, is ready with inspiration. The attractiveness touched something on the inside that is now ready to go on to the work or battle ahead. The transcendence of the attractiveness goes with him all the day. “Beauty says, There is a glory calling to you.” (Page 40) The heart of the healthy man answers with a resounding, “Get on with it!”

It is beauty that makes the woman attractive. Again, the beauty is of spirit, soul, and body.

Have you known someone who is so soul-ishly attractive that you were stopped in your tracks? This woman has a beauty that speaks of confidence that is not borne of pride. This woman can speak with confidence, sing to her hearts content, wash the kids, say she is tired without apology, speak in terms that show her intellect, and may even blush at the beauty of her heart. A man can talk to her and be mesmerized. Men want to be so overwhelmed by the pleasure of her mental attractiveness. Men do not want to be vulnerable though. That is a real source of masculine ambivalence.

How about a woman who is very attractive spiritually? What does a man see? She is a woman given to God ruling in her heart and will not be ruled by men. She will not be rude when she puts off the rule a man tries to put on her. She knows her Creator and is totally given to Him. She knows that her Creator will supply all her needs and that she does not have to foolishly give herself away to have her needs met. Mary, the mother of Jesus, was that kind of woman. Mary Magdalene seems to have become that kind of woman when she meets the resurrected Jesus outside the open tomb and she runs to spread the good news. I see Mother Teresa as that kind of woman. These are women who are not subject to men but are submissive to God and can submit rightly to a husband. Dare a man trust his heart to such a woman? She is not brusk. She is attractive, haunting.

One thing I have desired of the Lord, That will I seek: That I may dwell in the house of the Lord All the days of my life, To behold the beauty of the Lord, And to inquire in His temple. Psalm 27:4

In verse 4 of Psalm 27, the word “beauty” means “agreeableness”. This verse speaks of God being agreeable and as agreeable, beautiful. When we are agreeable, we are beautiful. When a woman is agreeable, she is attractive.

Attractiveness is necessary for her to display being agreeable and have availability. She must be agreeable before he meets her. If she is not displaying agreeableness, he will not notice her as anything but an object. Her agreeableness invites his desire for her. Agreeable is not just being a “yes-woman”. It involves her understanding his heart and how he desires to make things work well for others. If she sees his idea as functional and tells of her impression with him, his heart is glad. Agreeable can begin with a limited understanding and must be increased to greater and greater levels as the relationship grows. Her first agreement may be interpreted as everything is agreeable with her. As the relationship grows in complexity, she may no longer agree with the interpretations he holds because she sees with a different eye, a more complex eye, an eye that sees in logic and emotion combined. She can discern details as the man builds on what he started so simply. The details may be the thing she finds disagreeable. If the details define the whole, she may not like what she seems to have liked in the past.

Women of attractive minds are always thinking with their logic and emotions in a flowing mix of both. When her logic and emotion are in agreement, she knows consistency and can trust herself. She attends to both in different degrees that are a tuning of her nature. When the emotion out-weighs the logic, she will look totally emotional to men. When the logic out-weighs the emotional, she will still look emotional to the man and may even appear haughty or rude when they disagree. When a woman agrees with a man, he is attracted to her agreeableness.

Her being available may functionally frustrate men. Men are to lead in making choices and her availability may say to him “I rely upon you and you must do well.” Men see what they want and focus on that until what they want is obtained or otherwise satisfied. Women seek connection for satisfaction and security and will work with what they know within to satisfy others. If they have something to give, they will give it through connection. When men do not honor them with connection, the relationship suffers with her unmet needs and he is not satisfied by her beauty. He may be frustrated by her beauty in agreement as she seeks to connect. Availability says to the healthy man, “I am ready to connect and receive with you.”

The characteristics of what a women has to offer have similarity to the Garden of Eden. In the Garden, everything to sustain life was attractive, agreeable, and available. It was the ultimate, walk-through eatery. If you are hungry, pluck and eat but not from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Fruits, vegetables, and nuts were all available in fresh abundance. The food was attractive, agreeable, and available.

Women look like and are a source of food. We learned this at the ripe old age of birth. Mom’s breasts were the veritable Garden of Eden for us. She was food when hungry, comfort when distressed, cleanup when dirty, and the ultimate rocker when tired. She was available and that comes as beauty to a man’s one-track mind. The healthy mom is attractive, agreeable, and available.

Woman’s attractive, agreeable availability is frustrating because it is not always in her control and she cannot know our needs like God does. Other demands can distract her and many demands on her are right demands but draw her primary availability away. As she is drawn away, an unhealthy man may feel rejected and react with anger. He does not know her heart and that she will return to him when she has met the other demands. Some moms have way too many demands and this frustrates her husband, the marriage, and the parenting.

Woman’s presence with him gives her the opportunity to give him her attractive, agreeable availability to observe, delight in, and affirm.

1.       By initiating through giving her beauty to see, touch, smell, hear, and taste she satisfies his needs for physical intimacy. He looks good and feels good when around her.

2.       By deferring to him and complimenting him, she satisfies his need for psychological intimacy. She shares her character with him. He feels competent when around her.

3.       By giving him of her beauty of spirit, character, and body to satisfy his hunger for beauty and the life that beauty represents, she has spiritually enriched him. He dwells in the sharing of her beauty in a way that calms, nourishes, and keys connection. He feels all is well.

To help understand the power and construction of word pictures, read this great book, The Language of Love, by Gary Smalley and John Trent. (For a short course on word pictures, try this page:  Word Pictures) Also check out listening skills on: Who is listening

Listening to his heart allows him to build an image of what is going on in his emotional being in her logic and emotion. The logic and emotion of a woman may not build pictures. She may feel things before she sees things and the logic will bring her system into consistency if she can logically see what is in him. Word pictures are the most useful form of communication to humans. A woman will build a word picture so that she knows how she is connected. Jesus spoke in word pictures to crowds, groups, and individuals. Once the image is made in the mind and heart, life on that topic has begun.

Consider an image in the mind being like a vessel made of dirt. If there is no water, it is basically still dirt, or dust. To be malleable, dirt must have some water in it. The best moist dirt for forming is clay without large pieces of grit in it. (See how the image is building as you read?) Soft clay with just the right amount of moisture works easily and holds it’s shape. Once the image is built, it will stay. Build it right and it can be built upon. Building well is efficient and powerful. Building wrong requires tearing down and building again or destruction. Listening is the truck that brings the psychological and spiritual building materials to the job site. You have to work with the materials after they are delivered. A good set of plans is also required. Do not forget your building permit. Her attractive, agreeable availability will not want to move in until she feels connected.

The household is the perfect environment to begin sowing the power of attractive, agreeable availability. Otherishness is the form of this attractive, agreeable availability. Attractive, agreeable availability does not demand, it gives. Attractive, agreeable availability is a form of love.

(For another look at love, this link will take you to a copy of an article about OTHERISHNESS)

Her spiritual nature wants to be connected deeply to God and a man. She uses words to create and secure connection physically, psychologically and spiritually. Prayer can be a wonderful connection resource for her life with God and her man. Speaking in prayer is not preying on other’s problems or faults. Powerful prayer comes from the heart of a righteous woman. This woman seeks the heart of God and prays according to God working in her both to will and to do of His good pleasure. The lead in Bible study will be to open the Word and express, with sincerity, what the Word means to her and she will listen to what the Word means to others. The Holy Spirit will teach through her the oracles of God. He will powerfully provide her devotion to her family as a devotion to God. This devotion seeks the heart of God for how to lead her children and how to bless her husband. Bestowing upon her family is as bestowing upon God. Her family may be a husband, a husband and children, her family of origin, a group with which she lives, a group within her church, a group within her workplace. All of these people have need of seeing powerful devotion to the work of God in us. God is still creating in us the image of His Son. Not every one will see the image and far fewer will understand the image of Jesus displayed in a woman. The man close to her ought to be able to see it and delight in it. This is a spiritual beauty that is very attractive.

And what happens when the attractive, agreeable availability is turned toward selfish interests? The hordes of hell will use every advantage to trap the woman or the man. Hell wants the chaos that comes from selfishness. So the frustrated man will demand that the woman meet his needs and will expect that the woman knows what the needs are without telling her. He may go to demanding, withdrawal, brooding, anger, panic, solitude, misery, and blame on it on the woman for not knowing him, wanting him, or acknowledging him. He will not see that his requirements exceed the ability or desire of the woman with which he is trying to lead. He may be totally blind because his needs are not met psychologically or spiritually. If you can imagine a man chewing cardboard to get a surf and turf gourmet delight, this is his ultimate end. It may have said “Lobster and Steak” on the cardboard box, but there is not nutrition to satisfy hunger for intimacy. The man may come to the point that he demands the woman to give him life by nourishing him with her beauty that makes him feel as if he is alive.

When a woman squanders her attractive, agreeable availability, she lets herself be vulnerable to forces that will endeavor to tear her down. As her attractive, agreeable availability is misused, she has no attractive, agreeable availability for spiritual warfare and the lack of connection spiritually will open her to every onslaught of evil. Romans 1:18-28 describes the process. A woman cannot make it in this world alone. She must give wisely from her attractive, agreeable availability to those in need to meet their need. The woman who is not attractive, agreeable, and available, or low on attractive, agreeable availability, will typically withdraw to get away from demands. Not all withdrawn women are in low attractive, agreeable availability, some are just plain selfish. (Some women have been so abused by unreasonable demands that they have not recharged to give and greatly desire to give.) She will be angry with or hate those who put demands and requests upon her because she knows she is not seen as attractive, agreeable, and available. This hate may come out in many ways such as criticism, selfish spending, addictions, time demands, un-accountability, poor choices, abuse, controlling behavior, or other poor relationship choices that demand connection or force her to be unconnected for protection. Ultimately she is disconnected and feels worthless.

And Moses said, I beseech You, show me Your glory (splendor). And God said, I will make all My goodness pass before you, and I will proclaim My name, THE LORD, before you; for I will show mercy and loving-kindness. But, He said, you can not see my face, for no man shall see Me and live. Exodus 33:18-20 (The Amplified Bible)

So, Who is ALL-BEAUTIFUL? Not the woman. She is not God. God is ALL-BEAUTIFUL. Women are attractive but not ALL-BEAUTIFUL. When a man needs more than a woman has to give, God is the answer to his need. Only God is ALL-BEAUTIFUL. The above passage from Exodus 33:18-20 gives an insight into how beautiful God is. “Glory” in this passage goes beyond beauty. Moses came away full of satisfaction and life. God was intimate with Moses within the ability of Moses to receive it. God brings intimacy all-perfectly the first time and no woman can do that and especially not consistently.

So, Who is ALL-BONDING? Not the woman. She is not God. God is ALL-BONDING. (Think of ALL-BONDING as desiring connection with righteous ends in mind. A covenant is a bond of this nature. Bonding provides the opportunity for two to become one in purpose. God equips us with purpose.) Women are agreeable but not ALL-BONDING. When a man is demanding more agreement than a woman has to give, God is the answer to his need. Only God is ALL-BONDING. In the Exodus passage, we can see God bonding with Moses as He reveals what Moses can know. He brings agreement by giving to us and receiving from us intimately and all-perfectly the first time and no woman can do that and especially not consistently.

So, Who is ALL-BOUNTIFUL? Not the woman. She is not God. God is ALL-BOUNTIFUL. (Think of ALL-BOUNTIFUL as providing every need on time with perfection. Only God is wise and resourceful enough to provide this thoroughly.) Women are available but not ALL-BOUNTIFUL. When a man is demanding more availability from a woman than a woman has to give, God is the answer to his need. Only God is ALL-BOUNTIFUL. He had much more splendor to share with Moses but held off to what Moses could receive. He provides intimacy all-perfectly the first time and no woman can do that and especially not consistently.

So the woman and the man must go to God for correction and rebuilding. God alone has the character to do the work. He delights in the man or woman who submits. Only God satisfies our needs perfectly.


You can find more on gender differences by clicking:  Differences in Male and Female Communication.